XOXO, Sarah

I’m saying it’s def in the top 5 reasons…

Maybe top 3.

Tonight’s been both parts rough and beautiful.  That’s basically my life lately.  I go out and enjoy my responsibilities with a heavy foot, then I come home to a beautiful woman who always makes me smile-even when I don’t want to.  I go to class and slave away until I get to see my friends who never fail to make me laugh or to just let me be myself for a second.  I go and make money and do well in school and stress about grades and bills and what not, and then I go out to lunch with my mom and see her tear up when I take the check.  It’s such a juxtaposition, but I am so grateful for it.  Lately, I’ve been thanking my god for these blessings and all the positives I have in my life.  I truly am the luckiest girl in the world, at least at the moment. Though really, I always have been.

I’ve been perusing old pictures since yesterday.  It’s amazing how much has changed since sophomore year in high school when I had that awful hair cut.  I’ve changed my body, mind, and heart so many times it’s like I’m not even the same person.  The people around me have changed so much that there are virtually none of the same faces as there were in high school.  At least, not in the same way that they were.  I’ve gotten closer to some of those whom I didn’t make time for before.  I’ve burned bridges and made changes in my relationships.

It’s amazing how the pictures change as I look through them: girlfriends change, settings change, even hairstyles change.  I can tell just by looking at a snapshot exactly where I was in my emotional life.  I can tell you why I was with which person and what they now mean to me and it all seems so different. 

I’m not sure if I’m ready for that.  I’ve done a lot of letting go recently, which we all know is the hardest step really.  But having such faith in the future is really draining.  I feel like I can’t keep up sometimes.  I feel like there’s no one who I have the history to depend on that I need…but then…long talks on a hot day in a new car change that.  Or light conversations in a school coffee shop change that.  Or an invitation to be apart of a team changes that.  And I start to feel less scared of being hopeful.

Sometimes, I’m afraid that I’m going to fail.  Pretty common fear, actually.  I think, “what if I don’t ever get an internship?”  “what if I can’t make the connections I need to succeed?”  “What if I’m too much of a procrastinator and end up jobless and relying on a relationship that’s bad for me?”  It’s awful.  The feeling that you’re going to fail.  It’s a pang in your stomach that makes you legs tingle uncomfortably and makes breathing a chore. 

But we get up, we move forward, we find those to lean on, and we handle ourselves with grace.

I’ve learned to forgive flaws in my friends.

I’m learning to forgive flaws in myself.

I’ve learned that being angry doesn’t mean burning a bridge.

I’ve learned that I am not the only one capable of forgiving.

I’ve learned that I am more valuable then my sexuality.

I’ve learned that I am beautiful, even if that’s not the consensus.

I’ve learned that not everyone is stuck in high school.

I’ve learned that there will be a better day after a worse one.

I’ve learned that trying new things gets easier with practice.

I’ve learned that my mother was probably right, and that my father was wrong.

I’ve learned that being a work in progress, doesn’t mean you can’t be happy with yourself.

I’ve learned that failure is not dependent on a perfect record.

And not all my days are easy. I am not always optimistic, but for the most part, I’ve learned that being content is okay and trusting in the moment is beautiful.

I am the sum of those beautiful, wonderful people around me who, in turn, feel the same way about me.

Now, isn’t that just picture perfect?